The Wicker Man (2006)

Directed by Neil LaBute. Starring Nicolas Cage, Ellen Burstyn, Kate Beahan, Frances Conroy, Leelee Sobieski, Molly Parker, Diane Delano, Christine Willes, Mary Black, Erika Shaye Gair. [R]

A howlingly misconceived revisit to the classic British chiller from the 70s where policeman Cage plunges into the mystery of the disappeared daughter of his ex-fiancée (Beahan), who now lives on a pagan island commune populated almost entirely by women. Consistently laughable, full of absurd performances and bizarre exchanges; the islanders are clearly hiding a secret or two, but their reactions to Cage’s investigation are as bewildering as the way he lurches from self-serious recrimination to hammy histrionics and back again. No sense of ambiguity or dread or stomach-clenching horror, but the hero does kick Sobieski into a wall, so there’s that (there’s also the now-infamous “not the bees!” bit, though that scene only first showed up in the alternate version released to DVD). Burstyn’s kooky civility disguising a cartoonishly militant brand of feminism is about as clever a disguise as a narc wearing a tag that says “Hello my name is Sell Me Crack.” Aaron Eckhart and James Franco make cameo appearances.

10/100