Slender Man (2018)

Directed by Sylvain White. Starring Julia Goldani Telles, Joey King, Jaz Sinclair, Annalise Basso, Alex Fitzalan, Taylor Richardson, Kevin Chapman. [PG-13]

Illogical, ultra-derivative tripe based on an entity of “creepypasta” internet folklore; whoever thought it would make a good feature film should have to deal with the ILOVEYOU virus infecting every computer they ever own in perpetuity. Four not-very-bright high school friends “summon” the titular being (because they’re not very bright), and each of them starts disappearing one by one. Not a single original idea or creepy moment; just a poorly-deployed mash-up of scenes and tactics from second-rate chillers of the new millennium. In the pantheon of movie spirits and monsters, Slender Man surely ranks as one of the most generic and insipid, inspiring far more eye rolls than clammy brows. And it’s not enough to merely be mushy, perfunctory idiocy…it’s also excruciatingly dull. Maybe someone should’ve paired him up with a Husky Man for some Laurel & Hardy style hijinks so that something could be entertaining in this mess; it wouldn’t have been a worse idea than the one the filmmakers landed on: explain away the bogeyman until it’s drained of every last iota of its bogeyness. Appears as if the entire movie was filmed inside of a paper bag that the cast couldn’t act their way out of. And that ending sure is abrupt, but whatever gets this thing over and done with quicker…

9/100