Friday the 13th (2009)

Directed by Marcus Nispel. Starring Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Travis Van Winkle, Aaron Yoo, Julianna Guill, Arlen Escarpeta, Amanda Righetti, Ryan Hansen, Willa Ford, Nick Mennell, Jonathan Sadowski, America Olivo, Ben Feldman, Derek Mears. [R]

Most remakes try to put a fresh spin (or a fresh coating of shellac) on a single movie, but this one seems to grind up three past entries or so into one big, bloody pile of ground chuck; at the very least, it recaps the climax of the original during the credits, references Part 2 during the extended prologue, and then forges something of its own path for the last hour-and-a-quarter. Overall production values are a steep improvement over the “classic” 80s entries, but while the direction is more visceral here, the film was also photographed under murky lighting conditions and slashed to ribbons in the editing room, spoiling its raison d’être (the kills) through ugly incoherence. With all the grimy visuals surrounding Mr. Voorhees on the warpath—and suspense and scares in short supply—that leaves the heavy lifting on the shoulders of the actors, who hardly distinguish themselves (though Guill’s “stupendous” T&A showcase is worth a second look…and a remote with fresh batteries). Despite being yet another box office success in the series, it has not inspired any new sequels to date. The original Friday the 13th director, Sean S. Cunningham, is one of the co-producers; Michael Bay is another one.

25/100