Earthquake (1974)

Directed by Mark Robson. Starring Charlton Heston, George Kennedy, Geneviève Bujold, Ava Gardner, Richard Roundtree, Lorne Greene, Victoria Principal, Marjoe Gortner, Lloyd Nolan, Monica Lewis, Gabriel Dell, Barry Sullivan. [PG]

Large-scale, suspense-free 70s disaster “event movie” with the usual sloppily-stitched mosaic of disparate characters and sub-plots boring the audience until the special effects take over; in that high-tech department, some of it is effective, but much of it is all-too-obviously staged with models, mattes, and budgetary short cuts. The gimmick employed by this picture was Sensurround, used in movie theaters to mimic the high-decibel rumble of an actual earthquake; at home, at least you can still admire almost as much camera shaking as you would find in The Blair Witch Project. Needless to say, the Universal Studios ride was much more enjoyable. Features a handful of laugh-out-loud moments, including one that was (presumably) intentional—Roundtree’s stunt cyclist making his first practice run into a loop-de-loop—and at least one that was (definitely) not—the cartoon blood flying at the screen during an elevator crash. See it for answers to all your pressing questions about the cast (examples: Was George Kennedy by chance available? Of course! Did you, the producers, expect anyone to believe Ava Gardner as Lorne Greene’s daughter? We didn’t care! Will there be an opportunity to leer at Victoria Principal’s ample bosom in a T-shirt? That’s why we hired her!); or better yet, just don’t see it. Walter Matthau contributes an unfunny cameo as a drunk. The first draft of the screenplay was written by Mario Puzo; guess it was an offer he couldn’t refuse.

24/100