Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

Directed by Steve Barron. Starring Judith Hoag, Elias Koteas, Michael Turney, Jay Patterson, James Saito, Toshishiro Obata, Raymond Serra, (voices) Josh Pais, Corey Feldman, Robbie Rist, Brian Tochi, Kevin Clash. [PG]

First there were comic books, then came a toy line, an animated television show, and video games, and now the heroes-in-a-half-shell get a live-action movie adaptation; for better or worse, it’s about what one would expect. The sewer-dwelling, pizza-feasting, slang-spouting mutant turtles (and their wise rat ninja master, Splinter) are brought to life by Jim Henson’s Creature Shop, and while they are technically impressive creations, their stylized design simply doesn’t work in the real world the way it did in ink and paint—Raphael (Pais) going incognito aboveground in a trenchcoat is one of the silliest things this very silly movie trots out. Complaints about weak plotting and dialogue are unnecessary—it ain’t that kind of movie—but even the fighting and wisecracking gets tiresome pretty quick. Strictly kids’ stuff…maybe they’ll like it. A young Sam Rockwell has a small role as a thug working with the baddies; look fast for dialogue-free appearances from Skeet Ulrich and Scott Wolf, too. Followed by two direct sequels, plus an animated movie and a couple of “reboot” chapters.

31/100