Howard the Duck (1986)

Directed by Willard Huyck. Starring Lea Thompson, Tim Robbins, Jeffrey Jones, Paul Guilfoyle, Liz Sagal, David Paymer, (voices) Chip Zien, Richard Kiley. [PG]

Long before Marvel was breaking box office records, they unleashed this turkey on the world, a staggeringly ill-considered and interminable sci-fi/fantasy adventure of a walking, talking duck-man voiced by Chip Zien, not Jason Alexander (though he curiously sounds like a just-going-through-the-motions Steve Buscemi). That duck-man is named Howard, and he hails from a planet where the dominant species evolved from waterfowl instead of simians. The film is set in Cleveland, however, which is where Howard has been transported against his will, and there he befriends a wannabe musician (Thompson) who wants to help him…or boink him, maybe? Just the pits, full of tiresome duck puns, endless chase scenes, and a pathetic-looking hero whose mouth barely even moves. Surprisingly raunchy, too, considering the pic is clearly being aimed at kids and family audiences (shortly after checking out the centerfold in his issue of Playduck, Howard passes by a topless duck with exposed nipples—did the production design team flunk biology??); ignore that PG-rating, because this thing is unsuitable for young ones…and old ones…and humans in general, and pretty much anyone or anything with functioning eyeballs and earholes. Those without the latter will miss out on the show-stopping theme tune performed by Thompson’s band, but, hey, some people get all the luck. Executive produced by George Lucas.

7/100