Kickboxer (1989)

Directed by Mark di Salle & David Worth. Starring Jean-Claude van Damme, Dennis Chan, Dennis Alexio, Haskell Anderson, Rochelle Ashana, Ka Ting Lee, Michel Qissi, Richard Foo. [R]

If it couldn’t be easily construed from the title, here be a movie about a kickboxer (and other kickboxers, and kickboxing in general). He’s played by Jean-Claude van Damme, and he’s out for revenge (what else?) when his brother Alexio is paralyzed by a vicious fighter named Tong Po. But Van Damme isn’t good enough yet, so he gets trained in Muy Thai by Chan, who does his best to spread open Van Damme’s thighs (whatever it takes!). During his training, Van Damme also falls in love with Chan’s niece (Ashana) even though he shares more sexual chemistry with bro Alexio. Very dumb martial arts movie, but that probably didn’t need to be said, nor does it need to be said that the acting is hysterically bad; unfortunately, it doesn’t really work as pure trash either since the fights are so mediocre—too much slo-mo and cutting, fighters standing still waiting for blows to land, goofy sound effects, and so on. Bizarrely, villainous Tong Po is credited as being played by “himself” even though it’s choreographer and technical adviser Qissi who portrays him; considering that at one point the bad guy rapes a woman (really leaving a bad taste on its value as an accidental comedy), maybe that was for the best. Followed by four sequels, none of which star Van Damme (van damn, indeed).

23/100