Godzilla (1998)

Directed by Roland Emmerich. Starring Matthew Broderick, Maria Pitillo, Jean Reno, Hank Azaria, Kevin Dunn, Michael Lerner, Harry Shearer, Lorry Goldman, Vicki Lewis, Arabella Field, Doug Savant. [PG-13]

Japan’s most famous giant lizard gets rebooted and rerouted to NYC, where it climbs out of the sea and tries to catch a Broadway show, then accidentally steps on a few people and knocks over a bunch of stuff, which makes the mayor and military very unhappy. Spectacularly stupid and visually unspectacular, this monstrosity is the very definition of a tentpole-wannabe; even on the level of effects-driven “popcorn entertainment,” it’s never wise to insult the intelligence of the audience this badly. Broderick isn’t exactly a prime candidate for action-junk leading man, but it’s hapless Pitillo that could really use a good reptile-on-a-rampage squashing (at least Reno emerges unscathed, as expected). For anyone afraid that it might get monotonous watching ol’ Gojira stomp around a city for over two hours, rest assured that there’s an extended bit involving its newly-hatched babies scurrying about and looking for human-flavored snacks that shamelessly rips off the Jurassic Park raptor scenes. Makes Emmerich’s last picture, Independence Day, astonishingly watchable by comparison. Plus, the soundtrack desecrates Led Zeppelin’s “Kashmir,” so there isn’t even a respite when the credits start to roll.

24/100