Varsity Blues (1999)

Directed by Brian Robbins. Starring James Van Der Beek, Jon Voight, Scott Caan, Ron Lester, Amy Smart, Ali Larter, Paul Walker, Eliel Swinton, Thomas F. Duffy, Richard Lineback, Tonie Perensky. [R]

A box of rocks has more brains than this high school football seriocomedy, which wouldn’t be such a problem if the filmmakers didn’t seem so serious about the underpinnings. Set in Texas, where local football is often all that matters (especially in small towns), Van Der Beek plays a second-string quarterback who gets his chance at sports glory when the starter (Walker) gets injured, but he’s uneasy about the attention that being a “star” brings, and he butts heads constantly with his tyrannical coach (Voight). Its detours into more sober territory—concussions, underage drinking, the irresponsible use of painkillers/injections, adolescent obesity, etc.—might actually land if they weren’t handled in such a superficial and clichéd fashion, and the film lacks the courage of its own convictions by parodying the crazed mentality of hero worship and provincial sports fanaticism, and then turning right around and trying to convert the audience into crazed sports fans worshiping the gridiron heroes. Its feeble, cutesy approach to the material is exemplified by a bizarre running joke that has the protagonist’s younger brother chasing different outré religious callings every other week (“Kyle, did you start a cult? That’s so sweet!”); its total departure from reality is exemplified by the fact that the sex ed teacher (Perensky) can anonymously moonlight as a stripper, gyrating to the strains of “Hot for Teacher,” no less! And check out the hysterically dumb lapse in logic in the final act—what, were there no assistant coaches on the team? Also, uh, what about the playoffs for the state title that would have come after the Big Game? And did whipped cream sales skyrocket after the film came out? Eh, forget it, let’s be heroes, wooo!

30/100