Private Valentine: Blonde & Dangerous (2009)

Directed by Steve Miner. Starring Jessica Simpson, Vivica A. Fox, Olesya Rulin, Aimee Garcia, Keiko Agena, Jill Marie Jones, Ryan Sypek, Cheri Oteri, Steve Guttenberg, Gary Grubbs, Michael Hitchcock, Andy Milonakis, Katie Chonacas, Bryce Johnson. [PG-13]

Spoiled, pea-brained movie star Simpson’s life is falling apart when she hastily signs up to join the Army, and before you can say “unofficial remake of the first half of Private Benjamin,” just remember that Goldie Hawn ain’t walking through that door. Fox, seen here shortly before her career would become defined by Lifetime movies, is a similarly poor substitute (she for Eileen Brennan), but if Vivica was skillful enough to act her way out of this one, well, her career wouldn’t soon become defined by Lifetime movies. A series of unlikable characters in unlikable situations that are contrived by a script that makes less sense than why kamikaze pilots wore crash helmets. If Guttenberg’s golden brown spray tan isn’t enough of an eyesore, just try to get through a scene where a handful of chocolate-craving recruits practically orgasm while rubbing candybars against their mouths. Casually racist (and not-so-casually sexist), it’s entirely without shame or value, save for one exception: at least Simpson doesn’t have a song on the soundtrack. Went straight to video in the US and the UK (under the even worse title, Major Movie Star, for the latter), but first saw the light of day in Russia the year before!

2/100