Old (2021)

Directed by M. Night Shyamalan. Starring Gael García Bernal, Vicky Krieps, Rufus Sewell, Alex Wolff, Thomasin McKenzie, Ken Leung, Abbey Lee, Nikki Amuka-Bird, Nolan River, Aaron Pierre, Eliza Scanlen, Emun Elliott, Embeth Davidtz, Kathleen Chalfant, Alexa Swinton, Gustaf Hammarsten, Kylie Begley, M. Night Shyamalan. [PG-13]

A twenty-minute pregnancy, a stomach tumor the size of a cantaloupe, an unnamed screen pairing of Marlon Brando and Jack Nicholson, and a rapper named Mid-Sized Sedan all converge in the latest staggeringly ill-conceived bit of supernatural hooey from writer/director/co-producer/extended cameoist Shyamalan. The tin-eared auteur can at least spread the blame around a little bit here, since the screenplay is based on a graphic novel called “Sandcastle” (by Pierre Oscar Levy and Frederik Peeters), but he continues his trend of devising human behavior, reactions, and dialogue that have no bearing on observed reality—is it possible that he’s an alien who would have been wise to spend a few more years studying the human race before deciding to assimilate himself/itself? As the hysterically on-the-nose title warns, the film tells the story of a dozen or so vacationers who go to a secluded beach where some mysterious force causes them to age rapidly—children lunge through puberty, wounds turn to scars in seconds, eyesight deteriorates to a blur over the course of an afternoon, etc. Don’t worry—there’s a “twist ending” explanation of sorts, but frankly, when it comes to Shyamalan’s track record, that one where it turned out the whole story was taking place in modern day all along is less asinine. The actors are stranded, forced to say and do unnatural things almost every step of the way, and the plot holes are simply too large and too frequent to even pretend to ignore. Your brain may feel like it’s aged a decade or two after watching this turkey.

21/100