Masters of the Universe (1987)

Directed by Gary Goddard. Starring Courteney Cox, Robert Duncan McNeill, Frank Langella, Dolph Lundgren, Billy Barty, Jon Cypher, Chelsea Field, James Tolkan, Meg Foster, Christina Pickles, Barry Livingston. [PG]

The Golan-Globus team brings the Mattel toy line and children’s cartoon to the big screen in this wretched fantasy/action/sci-fi mash-up. Choppy action, cheap effects, and groan-worthy comic relief abound as He-Man (Lundgren) and crew end up on planet Earth in the 80s, trying to locate a cosmic key before the evil forces of Skeletor (Lundgren) find it first; however, all that mytho-sludge takes a backseat to what really matters in this story: the fate of a pair of dopey teens (Cox & McNeill) who get swept up in the “adventure.” Quite awful, and too dull and generic for camp value; one could argue that this juvenile nonsense is just meant for the kids, but will kids be pleased to learn that He-Man isn’t even the main character in his own movie? Lone bright spot: Langella’s full-gusto commitment to character, even in the face of clichéd proclamations and crummy makeup. The opening titles and Bill Conti’s pseudo-majestic score are a blatant rip-off of Superman…the same year that the same production company produced the butchery known as Superman IV: The Quest for Peace.

15/100