Baby Geniuses (1999)

Directed by Bob Clark. Starring Peter MacNicol, Kim Cattrall, Kathleen Turner, Christopher Lloyd, Ruby Dee, Dom DeLuise, Kyle Howard, a bunch of exploited toddlers. [PG]

They’re babies (toddlers). They’re geniuses. They can overpower grown men using martial arts. They make references to a popular culture of which they have no frame of reference. They trade sexual innuendos. They can hypnotize people into picking their noses. Their superimposed mouths don’t always even move when they speak. They can throw on a white disco suit and dance to the Bee Gees. They repeatedly say the phrase “diaper gravy.” Indeed, it’s a fish-eye-lensed nightmare movie made for slow-witted and unimaginative children who want to have nightmares—just look at that huge JoyWorld robot baby and try not to flee the room screaming—and think that doing the exact same “groin-shot” slapstick gag twice in a row is the height of hilarity. As worthless and contemptible a movie as has ever come out of Hollywood, and if your kids actually do like it, is it too late to put them up for adoption? Enough people paid money to be tortured by this dreck that a sequel was made (Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2), which is allegedly even worse, and since I don’t give out negative-number scores, I’d best not take that risk (neither should you).

0/100