The Next Karate Kid (1994)

Directed by Christopher Cain. Starring Noriyuki “Pat” Morita, Hilary Swank, Chris Conrad, Michael Ironside, Michael Cavalieri, Arsenio Trinidad, Constance Towers, Jim Ishida, Rodney Kageyama, Seth Sakai. [PG]

Needless fourth chapter in the Karate Kid series drops Ralph Macchio (he was in his thirties by this point…) and replaced him with a then-unknown Hilary Swank. She’s the granddaughter of an officer that Mr. Miyagi served with in the war (now deceased); naturally, Miyagi ends up taking care of her, but only after some egregiously clunky exposition sets up the whole situation, and only just before she gets bullied by a bunch of young fascist thugs from her high school, as trained by a merciless colonel (Ironside, in a case of Ironside being Ironside). Not quite unintentionally funny enough to rate as an embarrassment of kitschy riches, and far too predictable of a retread to warrant interest even from the franchise die-hards (one assumes they exist somewhere). The karate is pathetic, too, since Swank never even learned the basics, just a few conspicuous moves. Every single one of the colonel’s teenage automatons (including the one who breaks free from the pack and takes Swank to the prom) looks like they belong in high school as much as Channing Tatum did in 21 Jump Street; one is even played by 22-year-old Walton Goggins (credited as “Walt”). There are also a trio of monks on hand who hustle some arrogant bowlers out of a fistful of cash, and Frank Welker is credited as providing the voice for a hawk that Swank takes care of on the roof of the school (no, it doesn’t say words, but it makes a lot of noise). As for the leads, there’s a reason why Swank’s Oscar-winning turn a few years later in Boys Don’t Cry was described as “stealthy,” and the filmmakers were wise to tip the balance of screentime slightly in favor of Morita this time around.

25/100