Bolero (1984)

Directed by John Derek. Starring Bo Derek, Andrea Occhipinti, Ana Obregón, George Kennedy, Olivia d’Abo, Greg Bensen, Mirta Miller, Ian Cochrane. [R]

Absurd, infantile erotic drama where virginal college grad Bo Derek—playing the role like a childish simpleton—seeks a man to deflower her. Lustful sheiks, honey-glazed nipples, gored bullfighters, kidnappings by biplane…but it’s all so dreadfully boring in between the (far too few) instances of embarrassing camp. Nudity is plentiful (including 14-year-old d’Abo, so beware), but not a single moment is legitimately arousing; in addition to crafting the unspeakably bad dialogue, “writer/director” John Derek can’t even provide attractive scenic vistas of the foreign lands the leading lady visits (Morocco, Spain). Kennedy looks utterly miserable in the thankless role of Bo’s chauffeur/chaperone. To avoid the X-rating it was initially slapped with pre-release, the film was dumped into theaters unrated; it later received an R on home video without cuts being made.

4/100