Batman & Robin (1997)

Directed by Joel Schumacher. Starring George Clooney, Chris O’Donnell, Uma Thurman, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Alicia Silverstone, Michael Gough, Elle Macpherson, Pat Hingle, John Glover, Vivica A. Fox, Robert Swenson, Vendela Kirsebom. [PG-13]

Holy cinematic catastrophe, Batman! Bigger is badder (and dumber) in this excruciatingly overblown Caped Crusader adventure-slash-feature-length-toy-commercial, so inanely conceived and wretchedly executed that it tampers with memories, making the last chapter (Batman Forever) seem restrained and well-crafted in comparison. Whether Clooney makes for a decent Bruce Wayne or Batman is hard to say since he’s swallowed up by reckless excess and campy theatrics at every turn, and as it goes with these movies, the villains are the ones who get to have “fun” (emphasis on those quotation marks). Three’s company on the heroic side, as Bats and the boy wonder are joined by newcomer Batgirl (Silverstone)—Alfred’s niece instead of Commissioner Gordon’s daughter—but all she gets to do is mope about the ailing butler, pretend like she belongs at a drag race (who does she think she’s fooling?), and look entirely disinterested during the climactic action. The baddies are no better off, with about 80% of Mr. Freeze’s (Schwarzenegger) dialogue being embarrassing ice-related puns and Thurman vamping pointlessly as Poison Ivy (and speaking of character assassination, Bane is nothing more than a mindless, chemically-enhanced bodyguard/henchman here, so that oughta please the comic book fans…); the less thought put into their diabolical plan to freeze the world so that plants can take over, the better. Worst of all, the gargantuan production is so suffocating, that even if you’re in the mood for bad laughs and jeering, it’s all such a crashing bore to sit through. Definitely in the running for worst comic-book-movie-with-a-budget ever made, and anyone who still needs more evidence of what a colossally bad idea this whole thing was, consider that rapper Coolio cameos as Jonathan Crane (a.k.a., Scarecrow)…Coolio. Temporarily killed off the Batman franchise until a new origin story was conceived with 2005’s Batman Begins.

12/100