10,000 B.C. (2008)

Directed by Roland Emmerich. Starring Steven Strait, Cliff Curtis, Joel Virgel, Camilla Belle, Affif Ben Badra, Mo Zinal, Mona Hammond, Nathanael Baring, Reece Ritchie, Marco Khan, Junior Oliphant, Joel Fry, (voice) Omar Sharif. [PG-13]

Thunderously dumb prehistoric story is enough to make an archaeologist faint (or throw up), but even those who admire the accuracy of “The Flintstones” will probably be wondering why the narrative is so rote and simpleminded. A hunter-gatherer tribe is decimated by horse-mounted slavers, so callow hunter Strait must summon the courage to lead the others in pursuit of their stolen fellows, among them his inexplicably glamorous would-be wife (Belle). Too many ponderous moments for a movie without a single thought in its proverbial head, studded with various encounters with large, exotic animals (regardless of where they were located in the world—or whether or not they were already extinct—some 12,000 years ago). When the movie’s not being unintentionally funny, it’s dull enough to inspire slumber (only the barrage of noise will keep the viewer upright), and not even the spectacularly cheesy sight of a climactic stampede of woolly mammoths is enough to inspire involvement in this fossilized fiasco. Strait is a pathetic hero, Curtis is wasted in the buddy/mentor role, and Belle has the emotional range of a totemic spearhead, but at least it’s nice to know they had plucking and facial scrubs in the Neolithic period. Sharif narrates throughout (far too often) and, boy, does he sound tired doing it.

23/100