Conan the Destroyer (1984)

Directed by Richard Fleischer. Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tracey Walter, Olivia d’Abo, Mako, Wilt Chamberlain, Sarah Douglas, Grace Jones, Ferdy Mayne, Jeff Corey, Pat Roach. [PG]

Ah-nuld’s second outing as Robert E. Howard’s Cimmerian sword & sorcery hero gives him a quest and companions to fill out this comic book come to life. Upon the promise of the resurrection of his deceased love, Conan sets out to find a magical horn, but he’d be a fool to trust the queen (Douglas) who makes the promise, and an even bigger fool to trust all of the allies traveling with him. Muddled, self-parodic adventure populated by a group of stock hero types—a barbarian, a rogue, a wizard, another kind of barbarian, a spoiled teenage girl, a basketball player—trapped by derivative design, unexciting action, middling production values, and a goofy script that reads like Dungeons & Dragons MadLibs. The original Conan the Barbarian was hardly a masterpiece, but at least it was firm, full-blooded, and involving; this one just plods along through mush without anything of interest ever happening. Believe it or not, the PG rating doesn’t completely ruin the fight scenes—a surprising amount of blood gets spilled anyway. Although he can’t be recognized under all that rubber, André the Giant plays a monster that Conan must slay.

34/100