Ocean’s Twelve (2004)

Directed by Steven Soderbergh. Starring Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Matt Damon, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Julia Roberts, Don Cheadle, Vincent Cassel, Scott Caan, Elliott Gould, Andy García, Casey Affleck, Carl Reiner, Eddie Jemison, Bernie Mac, Eddie Izzard, Bruce Willis, Shaobo Qin, Cherry Jones, Albert Finney, Robbie Coltrane. [PG-13]

Obligatory and uninspired sequel to the 2001 Ocean’s Eleven redo brings back the old gang and adds a few new players—a ruthless gentleman thief played by Cassel, a detective (and former flame of Pitt’s character) played by Zeta-Jones, etc.—but there’s no story here, just a disjointed and meandering collection of random maneuvers, throwaway vignettes, and contrived associations. After tracking them all down with considerable help from an anonymous party, García wants revenge on Danny Ocean and his crew—or, bare minimum, all his money back plus interest—forcing the thieves to pull off a handful of heists in various scenic European locations. While the previous caper was slick and stylish, this one is smug and forced (the self-aware phrase, “We’re forcing it,” is even spoken at one point); both are, of course, self-conscious about their sense of “unflappable cool,” but gone is the playful touch, replaced by the sort of heaviness felt after a seven course meal of buttery French food. The less said about the lame-brained scheme involving Roberts (the character she plays and the actual actress), the better, but don’t be surprised if you end up throwing rotten fruit or bottles of Lancôme perfume at the screen when it happens. It’s no wonder it was so widely assumed at the time of the pic’s release that the cast signed on to such a dismal project merely as an excuse to pal around together in Europe. Willis and Finney went uncredited for their small roles, and since the main cast apparently wasn’t already bloated, there are also walk-ons from Topher Grace and Jeroen Krabbé, the former playing himself just like he did when there were only eleven. Next up: (what else?) Ocean’s Thirteen.

35/100