Morbius (2022)

Directed by Daniel Espinosa. Starring Jared Leto, Matt Smith, Adria Arjona, Jared Harris, Al Madrigal, Tyrese Gibson, Joseph Esson, Charlie Shotwell. [PG-13]

Dreary, uninteresting comic book movie misfire (or should that be morbfire?) comes close, I guess, to telling the story of Dr. Michael Morbius (Leto), an anemic scientist with a rare blood disease he tries curing with a gene-splicing experiment, but in the classic monster-movie/comic-book tradition, it doesn’t go quite as planned and he becomes a sometimes-superpowered vampire (or should that be a sometimes-supermorbed vampmorb?). His best friend, Milo (Smith), suffers from the same condition, but when Milo gives himself the same treatment, he enjoys the walk on the wild side, doesn’t mind the whole “killing” and “sucking blood” objections, and the two vamp-bros become rivals/foes (or should that be rivals/morbs?). Has the markings (or should that be morbings?) of an incomplete film—likely the result of rewrites/reshoots and substantial post-production surgery—and what was saved from the editing room floor graveyard barely provides basic story details, develops relationships, explores the vampiric abilities and weaknesses, or gives cause to care about a single thing that happens (or should that be single morb that morbens?). A sub-plot with two detectives investing the exsanguination shenanigans doesn’t even come close to having a payoff, a sorta romance (or should that be morbmance?) with one of Morb’s colleagues (Arjona) is a big waste of time, and like the Venom movies from the same studio, the decision to go with a PG-13 rating leaves the action depressingly toothless (pun obviously intended…or should that be morbviously inmorbed?). As for this review, I was compensated by the “morb,” so deal with it (or should that be so morb with it?).

26/100