The Marine (2006)

Directed by John Bonito. Starring John Cena, Robert Patrick, Anthony Ray Parker, Abigail Bianca, Kelly Carlson, Damon Gibson, Manu Bennett, Drew Powell, Frank Carlopio, Jerome Ehlers. [PG-13]

Stupid and simplistic action movie vehicle for WWE star John Cena casts him as a recently-discharged Marine who has to venture into a swamp to save his wife (Carlson, insipid even by “insipid love interest” standards) after she’s kidnapped by Patrick’s weirdo gang of diamond thieves during a getaway. Why make him a Marine (and name the damn movie after that fact) when it doesn’t figure into the plot at all, other than explain how he’s able to take a beating and deliver one in turn? Why introduce the swampland as a location when nothing is done to exploit the setting for its thin story or overblown action set pieces? Why are said action set pieces edited into an incoherent blur of thudding blows, spark showers, muzzle flashes, and fireballs? Why is the comic relief so tonally peculiar (rock candy, anyone?)? Why does it seem like everyone (the hero especially) is impervious to fire and explosions? Why is Cena so wooden and uninteresting in his first film role when his wrestling days and later movie roles can confirm he has charisma and presence to spare? Why did this movie barely make a dent in the box office yet manage to inspire a whopping five sequels to date (none with Cena, of course)? Why bother asking these kinds of questions about a movie without two functional brain cells to rub together?

31/100