Half Past Dead (2002)

Directed by Don Michael Paul. Starring Steven Seagal, Ja Rule, Morris Chestnut, Claudia Christian, Bruce Weitz, Tony Plana, Nia Peeples, Linda Thorson, Richard Bremmer, Stephen J. Cannell. [PG-13]

It’s called Half Past Dead, which also describes star Seagal’s acting style and energy level. It pairs him up off-and-on with Mr. Fyre Festival himself, Ja Rule. It’s set primarily on the reopened island prison of Alcatraz (dubbed “New Alcatraz”). It shows Seagal’s undercover FBI agent posing as a do-ragged prisoner who arrives just in time for a criminal crew to break into the place, take a visiting Supreme Court justice (Thorson) hostage, and try to forcibly coerce a prisoner (Weitz) who’s about to be executed—yeah, “New Alcatraz” handles capital punishment now—into spilling the location of a stolen gold bar cache. It’s mindless, worthless, incoherent junk. Debuting director Paul evidently missed a lot of film school classes; Seagal evidently hasn’t missed any meals. Even by these bankrupt standards, erratic editing allows for some truly superhuman feats. Followed by a direct-to-video sequel that couldn’t even entice Seagal into returning.

5/100