Babylon A.D. (2008)

Directed by Mathieu Kassovitz. Starring Vin Diesel, Michelle Yeoh, Mélanie Thierry, Charlotte Rampling, Mark Strong, Lambert Wilson, Gérard Depardieu, Joel Kirby, David Belle. [PG-13]

In a dystopian future, mercenary Diesel is hired to safeguard a young woman (Thierry) and her protector (Yeoh) to the other side of the globe, hounded by authorities and the hired goons of a power-hungry cult priestess (Rampling) because of…reasons. The seams of hasty rewrites, studio interference, and post-production tinkering are all over this confusing mash-up of carbon-copy story ideas and uninvolving action/chase scenes; with hardly any clear characterizations or explanations at all, it’s like watching a bunch of B-roll footage from several different futuristic action movies spliced together. The “new order” religious stuff is a bunch of absurd claptrap, and rarely has a movie ever (briefly) introduced a pointless romantic sub-plot with less logic or enthusiasm. Diesel is a monotonous hero, of course, but Thierry is even worse, exhibiting all the screen presence of a stagnant puddle; old pros Yeoh and Rampling look like they have no idea what’s happening, so the former is dull and the latter is laughable. Still, there are untended seeds of a fascinating dystopian tale to be found here, so maybe it’s worth seeking out the source material: Maurice Georges Dantec’s novel, “Babylon Babies”.

30/100