The Flash (2023)

Directed by Andy Muschietti. Starring Ezra Miller, Michael Keaton, Kiersey Clemons, Sasha Calle, Maribel Verdú, Michael Shannon, Ron Livingston, Ben Affleck. [PG-13]

After accidentally discovering he can use his powers to travel back in time, Barry Allen (a.k.a., the Flash) zips into his past to prevent his mother’s death, and on his way back, something knocks him out of his “chronobowl” (time tunnel?) so he ends up in 2013 and meets a younger version of himself. Reliving the events of Man of Steel (i.e., General Zod’s attempted terraforming of planet Earth), he—er, they—try to track down the other future members of the Justice League to save the day but keep arriving at dead ends or bizarre breaks in Barry’s expectations, such as Bruce Wayne/Batman in this timeline being an old, broken-down man played by Michael Keaton instead of Ben Affleck. Sounds way more complex (and potentially fun) than it is, as the movie spends most of its time in dopey buddy-meta-comedy mode with two Ezra Miller’s chattering like monkeys with each other, and although Miller graciously interrupted the soul-draining tedium of Justice League with the occasional quip (“accidental sexual molestation” gag aside), they grate on the nerves more often than not here—there’s simply too much of them: comic relief paired with comic relief in a comedy that only needed relief from itself. Awful as the story is, director Andy Muschetti’s handling of the phony, weightless action sequences is even worse, the cheaply-bought fan service is as relentless as it is obnoxious (beyond the borderline-offensive “cameos” from past DC actors, including the late Christopher Reeve, why would fans want to see Keaton in action resembling the slippery CGI glop of the DCEU version of Batman?), and the ghastly digital effects turn everything into an inane cartoon—the climactic fight, which drags on and on (of course), doesn’t look like a single real person or prop was involved aside from the occasional closeup, and the landscapes are like generic desktop backgrounds from the 1990s. In all, it’s a total mess that mishandles just about every detail and story/emotional beat a superhero movie should at least sorta get right to succeed. Among those who appear in cameos definitively in person instead of just “fuzzy likenesses” are Jeremy Irons, Gal Gadot, Jason Momoa (post-credits), and a surprise at the very end that might have made me smile if the previous two-and-a-quarter hours hadn’t put me in such a sour mood.

28/100