Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid (2004)

Directed by Dwight Little. Starring Johnny Messner, KaDee Strickland, Matthew Marsden, Salli Richardson-Whitfield, Eugene Byrd, Morris Chestnut, Nicholas Gonzalez, Karl Yune, Andy Anderson. [PG-13]

In-name-only sequel to the giant snake movie, Anaconda, is actually closer to a remake, at least in so far as the sheer number of recycled elements: another expedition down a jungle river; another bad guy in the midst of the travelers who’d gladly sell everyone out (or leave them for dead) in order to achieve his obsessive goal; a cast member who, based on Salli Richardson-Whitfield’s voice and performance, is just Jennifer Lopez when you can no longer afford Jennifer Lopez; etc. Pharmaceutical company lackeys head for Borneo to search for the (sub)titular flower in order to get rich manufacturing a rejuvenating drug, and hire a gravelly-voiced, “badass” guide named…Bill Johnson…and after their boat goes over a waterfall, they’re stranded on foot and surrounded by a bunch of jungle perils, chiefly some enormous, man-eating/crushing anacondas. “Chiefly”, I should clarify, but hardly exclusively, and only for a small percentage of the running time. Yep, it’s a giant snake movie with only a few minutes of giant snake action prior to the halfhearted snake-orgy climax, which the filmmakers have no idea how to build towards. Slightly better than the first Anaconda as a whole, but not as much “dumb movie fun”—you’d probably prefer to waste an hour-and-a-half watching an over-the-top Jon Voight do his weird thing. The best and most expressive performance, hands down, comes from a little capuchin monkey whose onscreen name is Kong.

34/100