BloodRayne (2006)

Directed by Uwe Boll. Starring Kristanna Loken, Matthew Davis, Michael Madsen, Ben Kingsley, Will Sanderson, Michelle Rodriguez, Udo Kier, Meat Loaf, Madalina Constantin, Geraldine Chaplin, Billy Zane, Michael Paré. [R]

Aided by a crew of vampire hunters, human-vampire hybrid Rayne (Loken) doesn’t crave blood (although it does make her stronger); no, she hungers to kill her vampire king father (Kingsley) who raped and murdered her mother. Based on a video game that must not be very fun to play (unless it’s nothing like this movie), and brought to life by inexcusably-prolific director Uwe Boll, so what else needs to be said? Simply dreadful from start to finish, it looks like it was made by someone who hates his job but an ancient curse on his family name forces him to do it anyway. Visually incoherent and pitifully choreographed, the fight scenes are as tedious as anything else, so it doesn’t work as a mindless hack-n-slash-‘em-up either. The dialogue in between those hackings and slashings is even worse than the line readings that try to bring it to life—one bit of mechanically-undulating voiceover from Kingsley sounds like he’s hastily reading from the script so he can break early for lunch. Thanks to the wretched writing and all the recognizable actors slumming it in their few minutes of screentime, if it weren’t so generically ugly and boring, this thing could have had a shot at being a camp classic. A critical and financial bomb upon release…yet there are two sequels, each of them also directed by Boll—seriously, how powerful is that curse??

5/100