The Little Mermaid (2023)

Directed by Rob Marshall. Starring Halle Bailey, Jonah Hauer-King, Melissa McCarthy, Javier Bardem, Art Malik, Noma Dumezweni, Jessica Alexander, Jude Akuwudike, (voices) Daveed Diggs, Awkwafina, Jacob Tremblay. [PG]

Another utterly unnecessary live-action remake of a Disney animated film, as dutiful as it is dull and almost a full hour longer, produced solely because people will line up to buy nostalgia, especially if they can take their kids with them. The story’s basically the same as the 1989 animated movie (the one that ushered in the decade-long “Disney Renaissance”), and the underwater digital effects look even phonier here than they did in Aquaman, so what does it bring to the table that’s new besides the opportunity to milk the cash cow again? Well, there’s more of Prince Eric (he even gets a song), but he’s still as much a bore as any of the other underwritten love interests for the Disney princess leads; logic gaps are needlessly added to the contract Ariel signs in the name of “true” love; Ariel gets a song number after first walking on dry land even though she doesn’t have her voice anymore (it’s…in her head, I think?); they cut the funny kitchen song, “Les Poissons”, in favor of a half-baked rap from the seagull Scuttle (voiced here for maximum irritation-factor by Awkwafina), a moment so shocking in its out-of-nowhere awfulness, I physically recoiled from the screen; the lyrics of some songs (like “Kiss the Girl”) are updated because industry dum-dums apparently think kids take these songs literally and learn their values from them; and why the hell is Ariel providing back-up vocals during “Under the Sea”?? Changes for the better are scant—Ariel is less of a spoiled, selfish brat, I guess—and the only “revisit” that works in tandem with the first is the final shot of sea witch Ursula in the storm, which makes for a potent, well-styled image. In her first major film role, Halle Bailey is okay as Ariel, but her vibrato singing style doesn’t suit this music, especially her big number, “Part of Your World”. As Ursula, Melissa McCarthy surprisingly doesn’t play it far enough over the top, and her movements are too stiff and self-conscious for the flamboyantly slithering, wriggling octopodal villainess. Jonah Hauer-King is a boring prince and Javier Bardem (King Triton) merely looks bored. And Flounder…oh, Flounder, what did they do to you? (Didn’t Disney learn their lesson after the response to their “photorealistic” The Lion King redo?) Refusing to take any risks whatsoever, it’s another waste of time, energy and money for both the production team and the ticket-buyer—cut bait!

32/100