Battleship (2012)

Directed by Peter Berg. Starring Taylor Kitsch, Brooklyn Decker, Rihanna, Gregory D. Gadson, Alexander Skarsgård, Tadanobu Asano, Hamish Linklater, Liam Neeson, Jesse Plemons, Peter MacNicol, Adam Godley, John Tui. [PG-13]

During a routine U.S. naval exercise in the Pacific, several extra-terrestrial spacecraft touchdown in the waters off the coast of Hawaii, and create an enormous force field locking in a trio of American destroyers alongside their advanced warships—it’s like they’re all on one big, watery game board, and as should go without saying, these visitors did not come in peace. Any chance there’s a perpetual screw-up on board one of the American vessels who can rise to the occasion…maybe one dating the hard-nosed admiral’s hot daughter…? As far as empty-headed would-be sci-fi blockbuster spectaculars go, it’s very dumb, but not very fun—by refusing to fully embrace its campy absurdity, the movie tries too hard to be something it’s not, like putting a pretty bow on a turd and photographing it like it’s a supermodel. Only sorta resembles the namesake board game for about ten minutes in the middle when the combatants lob missiles at each other “in the dark”; otherwise, it plays out like just another post-Independence Day alien attack epic (or Michael Bay’s In the Navy). Kitsch is an unkempt bad boy in the opening scenes, but then gets his hair trimmed to play a Navy officer who looks distractingly like Tom Brady…too bad he couldn’t deflate those high-tech alien weapons. Look for Rami Malek in a minor role and director Peter Berg in a cameo.

33/100