Dungeons & Dragons (2000)

Directed by Courtney Solomon. Starring Justin Whalin, Marlon Wayans, Bruce Payne, Zoe McLellan, Jeremy Irons, Thora Birch, Lee Arenberg, Kristen Wilson, Richard O’Brien, Edward Jewesbury, Tom Baker. [PG-13]

Two rogues (the most inept thieves imaginable) team up with a mage (who’s worthless without a sack of magic dust) and a dwarf (who has so little to do I have no idea why he’s tagging along) to rescue the realm from Profion, the nefarious leader of the Council of Mages. The popular tabletop role-playing game could have inspired a rousing, creative high fantasy adventure, but nobody bothered to try. The story is mix-and-match-trope hokum, the dialogue alternates between wheezy banter and tin-eared claptrap, and the casting of the heroes is simply preposterous—would you rely on Justin Whalin and Marlon Wayans to save the day? Even on the mindless escapism front, the title promises more than it can deliver seeing as how there aren’t really any dungeons and the dragons are almost entirely withheld for the climactic battle…and they’re all laughably phony. The lone saving grace is Jeremy Irons going the unhinged ham route for the chief baddie, devouring the “green-screen-ery” and confirming his professional integrity—he clearly signed on to this drivel for the paycheck, but darn it, he’s gonna give the producers their money’s worth. The unintentional howlers stave off incessant boredom, but to dedicated fans of the game, I say this: unless you really want to see a henchman wearing blue lipstick or Thora Birch appear as if her scenes as the young empress were shot in a different galaxy, skip it and stick with your beloved character sheets and onyx 20-sided die. A couple of in-name-only sequels went straight to video in the years to follow, and the property was rebooted in 2023 with Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves.

20/100