Simon Birch (1998)

Directed by Mark Steven Johnson. Starring Joseph Mazzello, Ian Michael Smith, Oliver Platt, David Strathairn, Ashley Judd, Jan Hooks, Dana Ivey, Jim Carrey, Cecily Carroll, Beatrice Winde. [PG]

Only briefly appearing onscreen, an uncredited Jim Carrey narrates this nauseatingly cloying fable dealing with the “God has a plan for us” conviction of an undersized child named Simon Birch (Smith), whose best friend is a fellow outcast among his town’s youth, the illegitimate son (Mazzello) of sweet-natured single mom Judd. Right as the film opens, Marc Shaiman’s syrupy music serves as warning you’re in for an unctuous ride, then Carrey’s narration exercises the gag reflex: “He was the smallest person I knew…he was the instrument of my mom’s death…he is the reason I believe in God. What faith I have, I owe to Simon Birch.” If you buy the hogwash this movie peddles, you might find it tolerable, maybe even inspirational; since the movie treats personal feelings (or delusions, if you want to be especially cynical about it) as poignant truth, I was turned off early and failed to recognize a single persuasive argument that followed. What would Man of Steel’s version of Pa Kent say about the critical school bus sequence? It’s followed by a bewildering shot near the end which seems to suggest a deer is a vessel of God to…what? Give Simon his “purpose”? Since I prefer to keep things family-friendly(ish) around here, I won’t print my response to that. “Suggested by” a John Irving story, “A Prayer for Owen Meany”; the author can be spotted in a background cameo.

20/100