Wildcats (1986)

Directed by Michael Ritchie. Starring Goldie Hawn, Swoosie Kurtz, Robyn Lively, James Keach, Nipsey Russell, Bruce McGill, Nick Corri, Mykelti Williamson, Woody Harrelson, Wesley Snipes, Tab Thacker, M. Emmet Walsh, Willie J. Walton, Jan Hooks, George Wyner. [PG]

Bargain-basement pigskin comedy is another vehicle for Goldie Hawn trying to recreate the box office success of Private Benjamin. Here, she’s out to prove that women can coach football as well as the boys, and as a “practical joke” by the chauvinists in charge, she’s allowed to take over an inner city high school team filled out by a rag-tag group of players who don’t respect her authority—set up to fail, but can she succeed? Gee, lemme think… Although director Michael Ritchie has worked in the sub-genre before (Bad News Bears, a shining example of the obvious form), it’s not enough to just offer up slapstick yuks, a roster of underdogs, and a team-turnaround arc. Hawn also has to battle for custody of her daughters with ex-husband Keach, as uninteresting a character as you’re likely to find in a movie that otherwise paints everything in broad, dumb strokes. Hawn falls back on old tricks and fails to whip up any camaraderie between herself and any of her players (or team as a whole), but it’s less her fault than Ezra Sacks’ lazy, joke-deficient script, which thinks the mere sight of Goldie coaching football or “tough kid”-types learning to get along is good enough, let’s call it a day. Of so little interest to anyone starved for movie entertainment, I honestly couldn’t remember if Hawn’s team won the city championship at the end…not that it matters, or that I even need to ask. Marked the film debuts for both Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes, six years prior to their star pairing in a much, much better sports comedy (White Men Can’t Jump). Gloria Stuart has a minor role, and LL Cool J allegedly makes an appearance, but I must have blinked and missed him.

32/100