The Emoji Movie (2017)

Directed by Tony Leondis. Starring (voices) T. J. Miller, James Corden, Anna Faris, Maya Rudolph, Steven Wright, Jennifer Coolidge, Patrick Stewart, Jeff Ross. [PG]

I was tempted to review this despicable atrocity by simply dropping a poop emoji and leaving it at that, but the little fecal sprite doesn’t deserve such ignominious company as this cancer on creativity. I once believed animated features couldn’t sink any lower than Food Fight, but while The Emoji Movie is more technically, um, accomplished? (er, too much credit…let’s say, less of an eyesore generator), the sheer volume of soulless, witless pandering on display here cannot be processed by a non-malfunctioning human brain—either you emerge as a zombified husk or you survive torture that would be considered a war crime in most banana republics. I’m not going to bother describing the plot (what plot?), and I’m not going to bother listing some of the most degrading episodes or the most ultra-hacky puns/jokes, and I’m not going to wonder why bright talents like Sir Patrick Stewart and Maya Rudolph would agree to join a voice cast where even James Corden is far above the material. I’ll just say: follow your own compass…you already know if you’re going to loathe this experience, just as you already know if your standards are low enough to crave shiny colors and distracting noise no matter the cost to your psychological well-being. So, no, it’s not a “cute” drawing of excrement with round eyes and wide smile—it’s the real deal.

0/100