Gone in 60 Seconds (2000)

Directed by Dominic Sena. Starring Nicolas Cage, Giovanni Ribisi, Delroy Lindo, Robert Duvall, Angelina Jolie, Timothy Olyphant, Will Patton, Christopher Eccleston, Chi McBride, Scott Caan, James Duval, T.J. Cross, Vinnie Jones, Percy Miller. [PG-13]

This loose, numbing remake of the 70s drive-in “classic” promises a lot of slick automobiles and pedal-to-the-medal mayhem, plus a car thief hero who’s given the name Memphis Raines (Cage), perhaps as a reminder that none of this takes place in the real world (ads also promised a lot of a hideously-coifed blonde Angelina Jolie, but she’s in this thing for all of about eight minutes). Setup is simple: bad guy wants cars, Cage has to deliver the cars or his bro (Ribisi) will be crushed into a cube, team is assembled, team gets them cars; rather than describe how stupid it all is—and it’s plenty stupid—just debate which of these lines make you want to climb into a 1967 Ford Shelby GT500 and drive right off a cliff more: 1) After Cage asks, “This Calitri is the one who’s after my brother?” Patton responds, “Like stains on a mattress,” 2) Cage’s gearhead mentor Duvall describes that same generic villain, Calitri (Eccleston), as being “a jackal tearing at the soft belly of our fair town,” or 3) Calitri finally getting a word in, venting his frustration with Cage’s character by sneering, “It never Raines, but it pours.” Waxed so hard that water beads right off, and the flash-cut filmmaking spoils even the minor brainless thrills of the destructo-derby chases. J.J. Abrams did an uncredited rewrite of the script.

29/100