The Guardian (1990)

Directed by William Friedkin. Starring Jenny Seagrove, Dwier Brown, Carey Lowell, Brad Hall, Miguel Ferrer, Pamela Brull, Natalia Nogulich, Gary Swanson, Theresa Russell. [R]

Seagrove is hired by none-too-bright couple Brown and Lowell to take care of their baby; trouble is, she’s a better arborist than a nanny, since she’s descended from druids and likes to feed children to an old, gnarled tree in the woods (she also has a small pack of wolves that instinctually do her bidding, but it’s the pitiful world we live in where most employers would see that trait as, at best, résumé padding). Laughable horror film can’t be believed until its seen, but most would be wise not to bother. Not without sordid entertainment value—bikers vs. tree ends in a landslide victory for the sylvan slayer—and there’s a better-than-the-film-deserves performance from Seagrove (in part just for managing to keep a straight face), but it’s mind-boggling that the director of The Exorcist could craft such a pitiful excuse for a fright flick. Loosely based on Dan Greenburg’s book, The Nanny.

21/100